Blissful Chaos: Take Two

This last trip to New England held a special purpose. Much like my other trips, it contained visits with friends over dinner, drives up and down the coast, and adventures in the awesome city of Boston. But, this time around, I came with a mission.

You see, this trip would be leading up to an anniversary. A few of them, actually. Remember the Gray Family? If not, click here to refresh your memory. After a year filled with good days and bad days, smiles and tears, anger and sadness, this family was coming upon the anniversary of sweet baby Ethan's passing. For only four days Ethan blessed this earth. In that short time, he touched many lives, mine included. I actually never had the pleasure of meeting baby Ethan, but I don't feel as though I needed to in order to understand what a special child he was and will continue to be. I know him by watching his siblings play with each other, or seeing his parents interact with each other. I see him every time I see this family in action. He permeates every action of their day to day lives.

Annie, the amazingly strong woman that she is, decided to commemorate his life in a way and participate in the March of Dimes walk in Boston. I was astounded by her ability to channel her grief into something positive, as she has done since Ethan's passing. I knew I had to be a part of this day to not only support this incredible family, but to show my respect to Ethan. I made arrangements to arrive in New England a few days prior to the walk. Annie requested I take family pictures the day before the walk in one of the family's favorite places in Boston, the Boston Garden. Honored, I of course accepted.

Much like the last photo shoot I did with the Gray family, it was "blissful chaos." Tears were shed, tantrums (small ones) were had, and beautiful moments were captured.

(the stuffed cow, one of the gifts he received after he was born, was included to recognize Ethan)

 

I've said it before and I will say it again: I am incredibly blessed to know this family and to be, in some small way, a part of their amazing story.

 

To ready Annie's blog, click here: http://ethanslove.blogspot.com/

Changes

I've been holding my breath for six months.

Six months since I returned from my last assignment in New Hampshire. Six months of waiting for my back to heal. Six months of little progress.

I'm tired of holding my breath, so I'm going to exhale. I have little control over whether my back decides to heal and allow me to return to the work I love. So, I'm taking the reins in areas of my life that I can drive. I've decided to take a part-time position here in La Crosse and return to graduate school in the fall. I don't know when or if I will be where I was before my injury, but I'm moving forward and making the best of what I do have.

This ends my adventure of travel nursing, hopefully just for the time being. It has been a hard decision, one that took many months to come to, but I feel at peace knowing I have a plan. The job I have accepted is telephone triage and the manager assures me it will provide me with not only expanded nursing knowledge, but many good stories as well! Graduate school should take me a little over two years to complete, after which I will be a clinical nurse specialist in oncology.

I may continue to post here occasionally, when the mood should strike. In the meantime, I have photos to post from my most recent trip to New England as well as photos from my session with the Gray family at the Boston Commons. So stay tuned!

Adding Initials

Last week I added some initials to my name.

OCN.

What does it stand for? Oncology Certified Nurse.

I spent the past four and half months studying in my spare moments, carrying around flashcards with chemotherapy drug side effects (yes, I'm 25 and still use flashcards), trying to digest every page of the certification book. After a brutal test and a hail Mary for good measure, I now get to carry this certification for four years which shows potential employers and patients my expertise in the field. Why did I want the honor of signing those three letters after my name?

Over the past few year or so, I've worked primarily with oncology patients and I've learned that not only are they some of the most complex and interesting patients clinically, they are also some of the most amazing. My family has been touched by cancer with several relatives battling this disease; some winning, some not. So, perhaps I was groomed for such a line of work from childhood. Cancer patients are the most courageous, positive, and kind people you will meet (at least the vast majority, there are always exceptions to the rule!). I found that everyday I worked, one of them would inspire me in some way.

How blessed am I to work surrounded by inspiration, courage, and hope? Certainly helps keep life in perspective!

Walking the Line

In the last six months, I've been walking the line.

The line between nurse and patient.

If you ask most providers, they will confirm that nurses make lousy patients. Hell, you can ask my friends and they will whole-heartedly agree. I am no exception. I detest being on the other side of the stethoscope. I hate allowing doctors to poke and prod me. I hate having to sit in an exam room, biting my nails waiting for them to saunter in and deliver bad news. I hate that I have five prescription bottles on my nightstand. I hate that I make more visits to the clinic than any average 25 year-old should. I hate having to constantly justify and try to legitimize my pain. I hate trying to coordinate my life around my appointments. I hate it when a provider cancels the day of the appointment, twice, and expects to reschedule for a third time. I hate not getting the answers I want or that I deserve.

In essence, I hate being a patient.

This entry wasn't intended to be a bitch session but it sure seems to be unfolding that way! In all these blog entries, I have danced around what my back injury is and how much it affects my life. I have neglected to detail the trials and tribulations of being a patient AND being a nurse. I plan to clear the air here and now.

The diagnosis attached to my particular injury is as follows: sacroiliac joint dysfunction with a closed dislocation of the sacrum and pyriformis syndrome. In non-medical terms? The junction of my hips and sacrum ("tailbone") is out of whack and my muscles are pissed off about it.  Even this diagnosis has been heatedly debated amongst my care team. Who are these people? Well, let's see, there is my occupational health doctor who originally started treating me. Then there was my physical therapist, then two different chiropractors in New Hampshire over the course of 6 months, a nurse practitioner in pain medicine, a pain medicine physician for a steroid injection, an anesthesiologist for another steroid injection, another chiropractor, another pain medicine physician for plasma injections, two case managers, and a massage therapist. Lost yet?

Amid all the appointments, injections, adjustments, and physical therapy I was still practicing as a nurse. Still taking care of patients while trying not to be one at the same time. Many times, people perceive those who work in medicine as invincible. As if we were not human, we never get sick, never get hurt, never falter, never fall from our pedestal. After going to a few of my appointments still dressed in my blue and white scrubs and getting inquisitive stares from my fellow patients in the waiting room, I now pack street clothes for all my appointments in an effort to avoid imploring eyes; somehow ashamed that I have let my patients down.

To this day, I still feel as though I am not allowed to be injured. I must simply "suck it up," I tell my chiropractor. I am a nurse. I've studied every system of the human body, am acquainted with multiple disease processes and countless medications. I don't need to be cared for, it is my job to take care of others (a line my close friends have, no doubt, heard many times).

But having all this knowledge and skill doesn't protect me from injury or sickness, it doesn't make the pain go away or become easier to deal with. Despite being a child of the system, I still have to navigate through the immense ocean that is the American medical system. I am still at a loss as to how people who do not work in medicine make their way through and get what they need.

The answer: they don't.

Walking the line between patient and nurse has taught me a great many things and opened my eyes to what we in the medical industry can do better. I now know how my patients live. How pain creeps into every nook and cranny of a persons life, chews it up and spits it out. How having multiple medical appointments in a week can ruin a person's social and home life. How managing and coordinating complex care can wear down a one's psyche.

The best and worst part of it all? I didn't come upon this knowledge by paging through a text. I learned it by living it. 

Things to Do Before You Die

Otherwise known as a "bucket list."

As a follow-up to the last blog entry, Regrets of the Dying, I wanted to discuss the wants, wishes, and "what-ifs" we all create for our lives. Creating a list is a way to catalog all the things a person would like to experience before they "kick the bucket." When creating a bucket list, I think the best part is you are allowed to image a life void of physical, monetary or other realistic life limitations. My bucket list is created without consideration of my back injury; in my perfect world, I could hike Mount Everest if I wanted to. That's the fun of such a list. I think it also challenges people in a way. When your dreams are written down in front of you, it becomes much easier to envision them becoming a reality. Based on the expressed regrets of those on their deathbed, living a life of accomplished dreams and fulfilled desires provides a much more peaceful exit to one's existence on Earth. So, in an effort to make those fleeting thoughts of grandeur a reality, I will detail my own, ever expanding, bucket list in hopes that I can continue to put a check mark next to each and every item.

1. Eat at one of the world's best restaurants. Now, I've consumed some pretty amazing fare in my travels, but have yet to eat at a premier restaurant. I keep this list handy whenever I plan a trip, hoping to nab a table at one of the world's best.
2. Do something completely terrifies you/conquer a fear. Doing this would be a good way.
3. Read the 100 greatest novels of all time. I'm well on my way with 18 already checked off this list, thanks largely to some amazing English professors.
4. Go to the airport and take the next departing flight.
5. Watch the 100 greatest movies of all time. Now, the validity of a such a list from only one source could be highly debated. Many people are passionate about the criteria by which movies are ranked "the best." But, I am basing this off of this list and this list. I've made far less progress on these lists in my life, having only seen 13 on the first and 25 on the second. You can ask my friend Gabe about his theories on my lack of cinematic awareness.
6. Hike through the Amazon rainforest.
7. Join the Peace Corps.
8. Shake hands with the president of the United States.
9. Learn to sail.
10. Hike the entire Appalachian Trail. I got the bug to hike this particular trail after exploring a short segment of it while stationed in New Hampshire last year. The trail, one of the longest marked continuous footpaths in the world, spans over 2,100 miles in length and passes through 13 states.
11. Become fluent in another language and visit the country of its primary origin. Being of Polish descent, I think it would be amazing to learn the language of my ancestors.
12. Help someone else fulfill a goal. I may never officially know when to check this one off my list, but how great would it be to perpetually have this on my list?
13. Attend the Olympics.
14. Take a cooking class
15. Go to the Superbowl (preferably when the Packers are in it!).
16. Create my family tree. Prior to my travel nursing career, I spent several months detailing out my family lineage. I was able to trace my father's side back to royalty in England. My 29th Great Grandfather on my father's side was William "The Conqueror," King of England circa 1066.
17. Learn to swing dance.
18. See and photograph the Northern Lights.
19. Go on an African safari.
20. Visit Machu Picchu.
21. Visit the Colosseum.
22. Learn to surf.
23. Be a part of a flash mob.
24. Be a movie extra.
25. Ride a cable car in San Francisco. Checked off in January of 2010!
26. Participate in geocaching. If you are unfamiliar, check it out here. Think of it as the largest game of hide and seek, ever.
27. Earn my Ph.D.
28. Go whale watching. Checked off in January 2010!
29. Take a helicopter tour over Kauai.
30. Fly first class on a trip around the world.
31. Drive a motorcycle along both of the coastal highways.
32. Go zip lining.
33. Visit Niagara Falls. Checked off July of 2012!
34. See Foz Do Iguacu Falls in Brazil. Never heard of it? Click here and prepare to be amazed.
35. Buy spices in Goa, India
36. Drive the Golden Circle in Iceland. Why Iceland? Click here.
37. Visit Devils Pool and Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe. The falls, the largest in the world, are amazing all by themselves. But Devils Pool is an interesting natural formation that allows people to "defy death." Click here to read more about it.
38. Stand at the base of the 620ft tall Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River gorge, Oregon.
39. Watch the sunrise on the East coast and the sunset on the West coast. Checked off in October of 2011 and January of 2010!
40. Scuba dive in the barrier reef in Australia.

That's my list. At least, my list thus far. I am always adding to it as I am constantly being inspired by the places I go and the people I meet. If you haven't created a list, I encourage you to consider it. I know in recent years it has become popular to do so; but I challenge you on the principle that it may help bring your dreams closer to reality or help you to realize dreams you may never have allowed yourself.

Regrets of the Dying

I make every attempt to stay current on nursing news and medical advances; a responsibility of any good nurse I believe. In my reading, I came across a very interesting article titled Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Experienced palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, after years of caring for the dying and recording her experiences in a blog, compiled a list of her patients' most common regrets when faced with mortality.

#1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
The most common regret of all, according to Ware, the dying were able to reflect on their lives clearly in their final days and realize how many dreams went un-actualized. She states, "It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health bring a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." Since my back injury, I have come to realize this lesson, albeit in a different capacity than the dying. Each hike I am able to take these days is precious, each car ride without pain is a blessing, and every flight without back spasms is amazing. Health can be an enabler of the lazy. There is always tomorrow for those living a life free of disease and pain to accomplish their dreams. Until tomorrow is stolen.

#2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
We live in a world driven by "stuff." Having more stuff, getting bigger stuff and then buying a bigger house to store all our stuff. In order to obtain these things, we work more. We spend more time away from our families, our friends, and rarely get the chance to see our lives for what they could be because it is blocked by our need for the "stuff." After being on the road for seven months and living with very few possessions, I learned I needed to downsize my life. When I came home, I purged my house of all the things that I was able to survive without for seven months. My theory was if I never needed it in that time frame, I never really needed it at all. Now, I work on call and make every attempt to work as little as possible. Both for my mental health and my physical health. I've learned how to tighten my belt so to speak and simplify my life so I don't have to work so much. Now I have more time to take trips back to New England if I want, spend more time with my friend Dee and watch her girls grow up, or work on expanding other aspects of my life that I never could before because I was working too much.

#3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I know I am particularly guilty of this one. I've been called a pushover on more than one occasion. Ware states, "We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win." I find myself in these situations, swallowing my words out of fear of hurting feelings or inciting confrontation. But as Ware explains, if they can't handle you simply being honest with them, then it isn't anyone you need in your life.

#4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I imagine that #2 on this list plays into this one quite a bit. Many of us are perpetually busy. Between work, family obligations, and other responsibilities, we don't make the time for friends. Ware describes that in the final weeks of life, love and relationships, not career accomplishments or financial wherewithal. "Everyone misses their friends when they are dying," Ware writes. I imagine for those with few family, this is particularly true. I have always looked at my close friendships as I would any other relationship; something that must be nourished or it will simply fall apart. When I first met the vast majority of my close friends, I knew right away we were destined to know each other. But a friendship takes investment of time, emotion, and effort just as a romantic relationship does.

#5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Fear of change and familiarity or comfort scare people away from going after or admitting what will truly make them happy. People will deny to others and themselves that they want anything other than what they have, even if deep down they know the long for something else. Ware states that happiness is a choice. I am a firm believer that we must be an active participant in our happiness. I'm not willing to sit back and hope that life blesses me with all the things I want. I believe that we make the choice to pursue what will make us happy now and be blessed with unexpected "bonuses" along the way. I knew that deciding to start travel nursing would make me happy and fulfill that nagging feeling I had that this was what I was supposed to do. And it did make me happy, ridiculously happy. The choice wasn't easy and everyday leading up to my departure from home, I was scared shitless that I was leaving the comfort of my life for the unknown. The "bonuses" I received by making the decision to be happy was the friendships I found and the amazing experiences I had.


While each of these regrets has their own implications in our daily lives they have a common thread: choices. Life is filled with choices, we make them everyday. We can choose to put work before friends and family and we can choose to speak our minds or squelch what we really think. But having happiness, joy, and the feeling of peace in life is also a choice. Take what you will from this list. Live a life free of regret. Live the life you want. No one is going to do it for you.

To read the full article about Ware, click here.

New England: Part.....how many is it now? 4? 5?



When people learn I am from Wisconsin, they usually make a comment about the nasty winter weather. Who would want to live in that? How much snow do you get? How cold does it get? My answer to the last question usually involves a description of how your nose hairs will freeze off with the first breath outside on a really cold day.

 

On my last trip to New England, I traded one winter for another. Only a few days after a large snow storm had hit, they had their fair share of snow and cold temperatures. As a result of the cold weather and less than amicable hiking conditions, the majority of my trip involved dinners with friends, movies while lounging on the couch and very little time outside with my camera. I did manage to snap a few shots of my time in Boston with Annie and Val, the New Hampshire countryside covered in snow, breakfast with Jen, and some infamous coconut cream pie (reference back to my trip with Helga last year).

 

 



The Old North Church in Boston's north end. Built in 1723, it is the oldest standing church in Boston. A large part of its history is wrapped up in the beginning of the American Revolution. On April 18th, 1775, Robert Newman climbed the church steeple with two lanterns in hand to signal Paul Revere that the British were invading Lexington and Concord by sea and not by land. One if by land, two if by sea. To read more about the history of this beautiful Boston landmark, click here.

 

Mike's Pastry for cannolis and Regina's for pizza, a new Boston tradition with Val and Annie.

 

Breakfast with Jenn at one of my favorite places in Portsmouth, The Friendly Toast.

 

 

The infamous coconut cream pie that Sarah and I had sampled almost exactly a year ago. Val and I drove nearly an hour into Maine to obtain this slice of heaven. It was as good as I remembered it. Like Val said, should have gotten two slices!